Sunday, March 28, 2010

Cuz if I didn't blog it... then what?

My hands are still shaking. This is the worst time of the year for me and the PTSD/anxiety because even the smell of the spring air brings back too many memories of the bad surgery and laying in the hospital bed and looking out the window as spring went by. But today... today was different. And it was bad. Still. is. I had the worst flashback ever. Like a punch in the gut that left me dizzy and shaking.. I was driving along this morning and somebody on the radio said something about a bed bath and BAM!! IT was just like on tv and I physically flashed back to the hateful "sponge baths" when I was in the hospital. Paralyzed so it took 3 people to turn me back and forth on the bed, belly cut wide open like a gutted deer and not even able to speak because of the tubes. They'd insist on those baths and insist on changing the sheets if so much as a DROP of water got on them... and I'd hate them cuz they'd be turning me again and I knew the pain was coming.... And for a split second it felt like I was there again. I'm still shaking. Bad. And I haven't been able to eat all day... and right now not sure how in the hell I'm gonna go be able to go back to that place in the morning. Or get thru tonight for that matter.

wow. this totally sucks.