Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I can't think of a title.

I may have finally closed a door to the mister and his 72 year old "girlfriend"... but it also kind of feels like I've unleashed a monster inside myself.

I'm a complete basket case this past few weeks, for all different reasons, and in just a few minutes it's gonna be time to tank up on the xanax and get ready to go through it all again for another day... tryin' to do the next indicated right thing 'cuz.. just 'cuz. I guess.

Lately I've had to do a lot of sudden rememberin' and thinkin' about stuff - and my heart and soul are raging - each for very valid reasons of their own... but the rage and turmoil are strong .. much stronger than ever before. just sayin'.

And then there was yesterday morning. Since I was at work early I went to the cafe for a little breakfast. I sat down and then looked up and found I was one table across from, and looking directly into the face of the surgeon that almost killed me. And again, we made eye contact and the arrogant son of a bitch wouldn't even nod in recognition... but he immediately looked away to chat to his fellows and wouldn't look back at me the entire time we sat there. I know because I stared at him... watching him... not understanding how someone can be that cold and or crazy.

But I had to physically hold on to the table where I sat to stop myself from going over there, and that's the Gods honest truth. Not that he'll care, but I just want one chance to tell him straight on to his face, and in front of a table full of the young doctors he's usually sitting with and lecturing to with all his pearls of wisdom I want to tell him how much the two mistake filled surgeries he did on me haunt me every single f'ing day of my life. And then I will walk away. I think.

I wonder if it will be today?

7:30 Update: It wasn't the day. Yet. But I swear to God - I even went up just to see if he was there. But I got enough on my mind... the root canal is tomorrow at 10am. I've had them before, but I have a strange hunch this one is gonna be bad even though I've been on antibiotics for what seems like a hundred years. I'm scared. And lonesome. And scared. Amen.


Jane Flis said...

Sweetie, write it down. Put all your thoughts on paper, address it to him, and carry the envelope with you-always. Then one day, when YOU decide it's time, walk over, give it to him and say "what you did almost ended my life but I'm not going to let bitterness take away my second chance. You, you should feel ashamed." You may never hand off the letter or talk to him but if you do or don't it's your choice-you have control now.

As for the demons and memories that keep popping up it sounds like it's time for one of those hysterical beat the bed cries. Then go to a shelter and adopt a puppy. You need to be the recipient of some unconditional love from an unbelievably adorable source.

All that said, if you need to "talk" you know how to find me.

Take care, be well.

Sheepish Annie said...

It's always so hard to know if it's the right thing to confront. Sometimes it helps you to move on, other times it keeps you stuck. I guess when the time is right, you just know it.

In the meantime, hang in there and hope that your dentist is generous with the painkillers. Most root canals go really smoothly so the odds are in your favor!

Kath said...

Sounds to me like you have some stuff to work through, things that maybe you buried in the past so you could survive. And when you're ready - drag it back out into the light and deal with it?

I'm a serious dental chicken myself so I understand your fear of the root canal. I've found the best strategy is to tell the dentist about my fear level, and communicate everything about it. This has led to me "self-medicating" with the ahem...."product of my choice" before the appointment, and with the dentist's full approval! They don't really like working on folks who are trying to jump out of the chair - believe me!

Carolyn (Harbor Hon) said...

You're not alone, dear sweet girl. We're here for you and God is here for you too. Pray, pray hard. Rail at him if need be, he can take it. You'll feel so much better. I don't claim to know everything you're going through, but you need to let it out. Cry, beat the pillows and scream into them until you are just exhausted. It helps Hon, it truly does. Just don't give up, ok? Big Tight Bear Hugs! xxoo

Jamisyn said...

What a bastard! I hope you do say something one day. What a pompous ass.