Monday, August 17, 2009

I have a great idea for a new invention...

How about a thing like a "pez dispenser" for xanax? I could really use that right now and I'd bet people would buy them too. I would. *grin*.

Anyway.. This is the week for many things... I have decided i NEED to find a lawyer.. now the hard part.. he has to know his stuff about discrimination and disability, be close enough for me to get to.. and cheap.

Not much to ask for, do you think?

As for the situation with "my boy".... I heard what you all said - and thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's just that for the past few years, I've been through SO much. And he hurt me really, really bad. Maybe it's different when you "know" you're really the mom so it might not have bothered or hurt someone else so much.. but for me.. I took him in sight unseen and - within one day of being asked - by the end of the day I had full custody of him. The day he started calling me "mom" is forever in my heart. And he has always known that.. he always knew how much it meant to me because since I didn't have any children of my own.. in my heart.. he was mine. And as an "adopted" child... i think it kind of hurts in a whole different way when you have to realize that you really have no link to this child at all.... My heart, emotions and body are raw, weak and fragile. It's been quite a couple of years. And now this. And I would love nothing more than to hope some day there would be a "family" reconciliation. But he's made it quite clear he likes living in Chile, he's been there about 5 years now... and doesn't plan to ever come back. So I'm very torn at this moment on how much to allow this into my life right now.. I don't want to hurt him - never.. but again.. am I setting myself up for more hurt from him?? I feel like the donkey who's having a carrot dangled in front of him that he KNOWS he's never really gonna get. Just like I KNOW I'm never gonna get to hold that tiny baby, or smell the baby smells, or squish his little toes, or have him over for a weekend with grammie. Chile is just way too far and expensive to ever expect more than one or two visits... and at that.. I'd have to come up with the cash (more than $1200 a ticket) and travel there myself... because at age 23, i think it's gonna be a while before he can afford that kind of trip for his family. And with things the way they are now.. me traveling like that in the nervous condition I'm in... just not possible emotionally or financially.

And it's Monday. and I've had my 1.5 mg xanax. And it's not really helping.... Lord have mercy... I know how fortunate I am and count my blessings every day... but this latest work assignment is my own personal hell. I get up and feel absolutely like I'm going to prison- Hell, I WORKED in men's maximum security prison for ten years and I NEVER felt like THIS. I have never hated a job this much in my life.

Cross your fingers I can find that lawyer and he knows what the hell he's doing. Unlike the guys at the Lowes lawnmore department - I'll be there for the FOURTH freakin' time this afternoon STILL trying to get the right belt for my mower - Have mercy.

3 comments:

Sheepish Annie said...

Families are what they are and you have to do what's right for you and for your child. If the best thing to do is take it slow or keep some distance emotionally, then that's OK. It's all about what works, not what everyone thinks is supposed to work. You're a mom and you know what's best here. I always trust a mom and her instincts!

In Maine, we have legal assistance for people on a sliding scale. I'm assuming that there is something along those lines in your neck of the woods. Most of the attorneys are from reputable firms and working pro bono so you get good representation without having to fork over a ton of cash. It's worth a look if that's available...

Carolyn (Harbor Hon) said...

I'm sending BIG HUGS your way that you can get through both the family issue and the work issue. You are stronger than I am, my friend and I want you to know I'm here. To listen and to understand, whenever you need to vent. Just breathe and give it over to the Lord. Ok? xxoo

ROLLERWRITER said...

I don't think you have to throw up blessings every time there is a big sack of crab thrown at your life. Not enjoying the taste of crab does not make you ungrateful! Don't worry about trying to make the best of crap-instead how about a big pissy yell at the bad stuff in your life. Then remember in the Bible it never says "it came to stay" rather "and it came to pass". So throw things in honor of the crap (dollar or goodwill dishes are fun). Maybe have a bonfire. You are a dear soul and soon the world will remember to remind you it knows it. Take care.