Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Today they put dad on hospice.

I found out sort of by accident and that they already have him on morphine, although I'm not sure exactly why. Seems to me some people are more like in a hurry to have it be done and over rather than try to get some treatment that could give him maybe another month or two relatively comfortable.

He says as of yesterday, he knows he's dying and he's asking for his kids... he doesn't want to die alone...

The question is, how long. It could be tomorrow, it could be next month. And he lives 9-10 hours away by car. What to do about my vacation has me totally out of my mind tryin' to figure out all the what ifs and should, woulda, coulda. Not to mention the whole work saga... And tryin' to sort out what I'm sure of in my heart....

And how extraordinarily different and completely EMPTY my life is gonna be when he's gone.

Nope.. this kind of grief just ain't easy to handle alone. Just sayin'.

1 comment:


My Mom went in hospice 10 days before she passed away. That last day I knew was her last but I kissed her good bye and went home, leaving my brother alone (and his psycho girlfriend) with her at the end. The end has nothing to do with the rest of your life-you know that. You have contemplated your own mortality many times, you have felt the nearness of death. I believe that if God truly is merciful that if nothing else he allows us to willingly let go at the end. You always hold in your heart and feel in your bones those that truly love you-your Dad feels you as you do him regardless of where you are. Saying good bye at the end is something we do for ourselves. Parents who love their children (and you know this) don't need end of life drama to tell them they were loved. The print of parent and child is in the bones forever. You will always have him with you just as you are with him now. Vacations don't lessen that imprint. Just as being there right now doesn't create a relationship that wasn't there already.

Give yourself a break. You already honor your Father. No matter what you do, it will be the right thing. You do your best out of great love. How can that ever be wrong?

Be well.