Saturday, August 21, 2010

What just happened here????

Whoa... and how can I explain?

Was just cleaning out the trunk of my car and realized it has been many years since last I did... and I almost wish I didn't.

So many things tucked in there I had forgotten about. I mean honestly, how many times does a girl poke around in the trunk of her car? I found the kites that we had bought to fly just before my surgery, and the kite bag packed by the ex-mister back in the day with all the thoughtful "necessaries" for the kite flying picnics we planned to have...

And I found a copy of the book written by the man who baptized me in my own backyard pool more than a decade ago... even the pool isn't there anymore.

And from somewhere among the stuff, a picture fell out that I don't even remember having had taken - of me and the mister from one of the times we were visiting my dad probably from probably about that same time period... with his arm around me and both of us laughing... and before I knew all that I know now.

I've been tryin' hard to live "in the moment"... to try not to think too much about past or future... but I gotta tell you, right now, findin' some of that stuff took the wind right out of me with the overwhelming, sudden and completely unexpected, remembering... and my hands are quite literally shaking as I'm tryin' to type.... but I thought it better to write out the feelings rather than take something to make them go away...

... and I know, right now, I just gotta get through this "moment". Amen.


Kat said...

Memories can certainly knock us on our ass, can't they? I keep thinking that what ever happened, both good and bad, happened for a reason (even if I don't know what that reason could possibly be). I wouldn't be such a strong, capable, funny & deviously charming :) person had it not been for all of that stuff.

It's hard sometimes but after a while the crap fades and you're able to remember some good without all the hurt. Hugs & love!!


Don't suppose you found any of the things I'm trying to hunt down did you? If something isn't where it could be it must be time to start looking where it can't be.

Old photos make me cry too. All that time that seems wasted and painful, time you didn't know was coming. There is living in the moment and there's... well, I don't know what to call those brief moments when your heart feels weighted down and icky. I guess the only thing to do is keep telling ourselves to live in the moment, just make it the next moment not that one.

Be well.