Monday, August 10, 2009

Because I am who I am....

And damn the lurkers who get a thrill out of the nightmare of my life. Knock yourselves out 'cuz I'm in a not great place right now... so kick me. This job is killing me... literally. No breaks today, no lunch, and all numbers (my #2 on list of things that cause me great anxiety. Numbers... don't ask me why 'cuz I don't know.) After only 4 weeks. When you have to start off at a 1.5 mg xanax just to get to work, it's an issue. A BIG issue. I talked to the head of HR and he tells me I can take a voluntary demotion (interesting that he would say that since there are only 3 people in my class in the entire place of hundreds... they're doing away with our positions - if someone leaves, they rehire from a different union, and get to pay about half the salary. Just sayin) - the doctor says to get a lawyer. He says my PTSD (and the fact that I still have to work in the same place that caused it), not to mention all the anxiety issues that go along with it - he says it's a disability and my work just isn't payin' attention, no matter what he says. Everyone says I should go out on disability because they know the toll this is takin' on me - but damn! I've been workin' straight on since I was 19 freakin' years old. I have 29 years in and 6 to go at which time I can retire at age 55 with 35 years of service... and a pretty decent pension as well as medical.... both pretty much necessary since I'll be all on my own.

And Lord have mercy.. I am tryin' everything I know how to hang in there. Any extra prayers ya got would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.


Sheepish Annie said...

It's such a tough call. Disability wouldn't be completely out of line here, but you'd be giving up so much. I'm really shocked that the hospital is making such an effort to force your hand. Under the circumstances, they probably should be treading more lightly. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

I also stress over numbers and this has been a huge problem since I changed jobs. Teaching algebra is tricky when you get flustered over numbers. I feel your pain on this one.

Hopefully, things will get better for you soon or there will be some resolution to all this. I'll keep thinking good thoughts for you. ::hugs::

Kath said...

Oh dear, I agree with Sheepie. Disability is not an easy pill to swallow (no pun intended! really!) but you have to keep in mind that it doesn't have to be permanent. I was on disability for a while when I was in my 20's and it was a tough but necessary thing to do. I'm not as familiar with disability laws for other states, but I know in mine it does allow a certain amount of job protection so they can't fire you. Does the HR dweeb know you have that as an option? That might be the wake-up call they need to get on the stick and do better by you.

Hell, I'm a fully healthy person but standing over a cash register for 6 straight hours without a break wreaks havoc on me! And I'm a freak, I like numbers if they are attached to money. But algebra or calculus? Phooey!

Just so you know - even if my comments aren't as frequent - I'm still here, still thinking of you, and still in your corner.

Kat said...

I would at least speak to a lawyer. See what they have to say, if they have any thoughts.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You get extra prayers tonight.

Julie said...

Mia, I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time.

You know, even though disability isn't what you planned for yourself, maybe it's worth looking into. At least maybe talk to a lawyer; now harm in talking, right?

Take care of yourself!


Karen said...

Checking with a lawyer couldn't hurt. Sorry I don't have any advise to give.

I can tell you that even though I don't know you, I wish only the best for you. You deserve some peace and happiness in your life.

Sending extra prayers, good thoughts, and hugs out to you.

Karen said...

Hope you are doing well this morning and you have a good day. Thinking of you.


Our circumstances are different but some things to think about for you self: life on disability is not as much fun as you think it will be. My son says everyone should have some place they are paid to be every day. I have tried to offer my services to nonprofits and end up being treated unprofessionally (with no paycheck to offset the ego hurt). I would love to work - to the best of my ability-the head is still fully functioning. That said, there is no shame in being disabled. But no real bonus either in struggling to pay for increased items, like meds or equipment. I would never encourage you to continue to be mistreated. If you hire a lawyer, know exactly what you want and ask for it. 6 years might go quickly or last forever. Life is shorter than we think and you so deserve to be happy. You just need to decide what that happy looks like. Stay safe and be well!

Jamisyn said...

I'm thinking about you all the time and hope that you can make it!!!!