Thursday, August 5, 2010

Can a person die from anxiety?

Or am I gonna be the first one? The case #1 date has been postponed for 2 weeks at the request of my work. Case #2 I had to work on today with the one who doesn't speak such good English, but I think we made progress. Things should be official and known to all in about another week or two. And it's hard to even begin to imagine it being worse when they find out.. but I'm sure it will.

But oh my, as it is already.... hate, hate, hate. To most of the administrators I have a target on me - they want me out. I'm surrounded by it every day. I feel it and it seeps into my pours. And no. I am not exaggerating or being paranoid. Most of the other admin assts I used to work with know about it too... but people are afraid to even be seen talking with me for fear they'll get in trouble too by association. Several have actually told me that. And then It's just me and the boss in that little room and it's gotten to the point where she will only correspond with me via stickynotes she really won't speak to me and she refuses to put anything in email anymore. ::sigh::

I guess I can't describe how it feels... all I know is as soon as I wake up in the morning, I feel sick and hollow as soon as I realize I'm getting up to go to work and gonna have to grab a cup of coffee and start takin' the pills to get ready to go in there and endure. And wait for something to change. Some days I can take it and force my way in there.. and other days, I just can't. I do not have the strength or energy to do it.

Normally, on those days I can't do it and on the weekends... I try to give myself over to the relief and just not take any of the meds and let my body feel the relief of temporary natural peace and try to let myself just relax. But lately... that's not workin'. I know I've got too much goin' on when now I have to take them even when I'm home.

Just sayin'.


Stacie said...

What an insane situation you're in. I hope you keep the sticky notes she uses to correspond with you.

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel yet?


Anonymous said...

GREAT idea to keep the sticky notes! I never thought of that - thanks!!!


PS - kid you not - my word verif is : awelfil !!!!!